Twitchy

I'm feeling oddly
Like I'm on a precipice and need to be talked down carefully
treated gingerly.

I'm swimming inside my skull

I'm being betrayed by my senses
random floating pains
inexplicable all
Here it's in my
chest
now it's in my
neck
then to my left
shoulder and
index finger
whoops, to the right
forarm

and now my throat.

I'm excitable and vibrating inside my skin, just under the layer
that shields my wet red insides from
the bright unfriendly outside.
Thrumthrum
pulse is steady
for once.

I feel disjointed and loud
clumsy.

When I move it sounds like the crashing of cymbols falling down the stairs,
the ground shakes and shudders with my steps
my arms flail and whack at the walls without permission.

I'm too big for my box.

I crave a lullabye, something soothing
sooth me
I'm overstimulated and dizzy
I need taupe and beige and silence and crickets
I need night and darkness and soft, velvety cool sheets.
Down comforters
deep rumbly voices
musky smells
and no prospects for tomorrow, no choices

I need a tranquilizer.

In waiting

In this matter my hands are bound
I can do...nothing.

and it hurts by proxy.

Being the innocent bystander
isn't what I had in mind.

I pray.

Burden Shared

I said it
and meant it
and was not conflicted

The burden
is lifted

A burden shared is half as heavy
we two are palbearers
carrying the remains of shattered pasts.

Passive Pincushion

paspin
Originally uploaded by The Paper Doll.

coming to a canvas near you.

Enlightenment

I never meant to get in this deep.
I wanted butterfly wing briefness
a fluttering touch and go.

Instead I sucked in water like air
swimming in a pool of still deepness.

I looked at my own reflection on the surface
from under the water.

What I saw amazed me.

I have everything I need.

It's all laid out in a random pattern
spread out before me like a dropped deck
of worn old cards. My 52 pickup contains aces and jesters.

I'll take them as they come
gladly.
I will no longer wish for what
I cannot have.
In the end the Stones are right
You can't always get what you want
but if you try
sometimes
you just might find
you get what you need.
What I needed was faith in my strength
and an inventory of what I had.
What I have is a wealth of opportunity
love
curiosity
talent
strength
creativity.

What I need now are friends
to help me come out of my shell
to pull me out of myself
to distract me from the smoke and mirrors
that make up the inside of my head.

I'm almost ready to surface
to draw in air.
and I'm going to stay close to that water.
I want to drink deeply, and remember.

The Taming

For you I will be declawed
my teeth I will file down to rounded things,
harmless and dull.
I will be neuter and genderless
with a feminine lean

I will be passive pincushion for you to
stab
stab
stab
and in return I will not scratch
claw
arch and curl
grapple
dig an shriek to the cieling.

I will be soft and rounded
maternal.
I will turn the other cheek
and a blind, unwinking eye.

I will wach the clencing and unclenching
of your artful fingers
but I will not be the clutched
and unclutched.

For you I'll be the belled cat, tamed and harmless.

It's not such a large sacrifice for friendship.

Scarred but still usefull

Scarred but still usefull
Originally uploaded by The Paper Doll.

made it better, for more click here

Of vascillation and confusion

How is it possible for one human heart to be so fickle? From here to there and back through eternity I find myself swinging on an emotional pendulum. My anchor is M, from which I dangle and careen through a vast range of swirling confusion.

I confuse myself just as much as I befuddle those around me. If you ask me my opinion I'll contradict myself three times before settling on any answer...and if you ask again the next day I'll give you another. I know no constant.

Were I a mathematical equation I'd have no ending, no resolution, and would be quantified in imaginary numbers like 0 and decimal points. I do not enjoy this unpredictability any more than anyone else does. I do not like myself much, but I am fond of my talents. What keeps me hanging on is external sensory input.

Please distract me from myself.

What have I done?

.....................................